WOY WOY POPULISTS LAWN BOWLS CLUB

As of today I announce our club will abandon any fundamental principles and beliefs and will be presided over by former president Kevin.

Kevin will run the club for all people and stand for nothing.

"Our number one measurement of success is how popular we can become", said an emotional Kevin taking over the Presidency tonight.

"The people have wanted me for 3 years and I'm back. The ugly sister was voted Miss World by the corrupt judges, now the most gorgeous girl from the bikini contest has finally been awarded Miss World. Justice has been done." 

President happy with poor results – ‘We remain on track’

President Julia has told our Comrades that we remain on track despite another crushing result for the team on the weekend. We remain winless clear on the bottom of the ladder with the League now threatening to disband our club.

President Julia said the scoreboard remains a poor barometer for our performance. In any competition winning is not the socialist way. We have made great reforms and spent lots of member’s money to enable us to remain winless.

I see no reason to change – I will continue to do what I’ve been doing and will not hand over to horrible women hating men in white shoes and with wrinkly penises.

WWLBC President launches attack on those who would challenge her

President Julia spoke to Woy Woy’s “Lawn Bowlers with Vagina’s for Julia” fundraising group last night in the clubrooms.

Surrounded by her adoring sisterhood President Julia attacked men who would seek to be elected President of the Club.

“If a man takes over this club then it will spell doom for all women. Men with white shoes and wrinkly penises will ban women from the club. They will stop women driving cars and being educated. They will force them die their hair, wear makeup and ear rings and lovely tailored suits and make them have elocution lessons if they speak like bogans. If a man gets elected by the members then it cannot be a democratic process” she warned the sisterhood.
 

Club elections September 14th - do not be deceived!

Elections for your new committee will take place on September 14^th.

I plan to spend significant amounts of club member’s money on convincing you that my team has done an outstanding job running this club.

Wayne and I believe you can’t measure a sporting club by its on field record, success is determined by other factors. Your committee has done a great job in spending enormous amounts of money on a range of self interested initiatives – it takes courage to spend money you don’t have! I’ve been called tough, I’ve made numerous tough calls to spend when common sense and our bank manager said “No”.

Ignore former President Kevin, he may be far more popular than me, he may have a stronger vision for WWSLBC and may have had more success than me – but frankly that’s no reason to vote for him.

Do not vote for the anti socialists within our club. They will have us living within our means very quickly. They will make sure we pay our bills and offer us a strong future – again this is no reason to vote for them.

Julia

 

Ford quits as our sponsor - stuff them.

Woy Woy Socialist’s long term sponsor Ford has dramatically withdrawn as our naming rights sponsor.

A spokesman for Ford said “Woy Woy keeps putting up the price of sponsorship every year and giving us fewer and fewer results. The time has come to say enough is enough.”

President Julia is gobsmacked. “I alwes thought Ford would stay with us, why wouldn’t they? Despite the cost of sponsoring us going up every year and the fact Ford is selling no cars to our members seems irrelevant.  I’m not sure what sort of business they run over there. I'm glad I drive Kevin's second hand imported Prius anyway.”

Wayne's budget sees club to eventually achieve record revenues protecting record expenditure

Treasurer Wayne announced our budget for next year at our committee meeting at Reg’s house last night.

Wayne said a massive write down in revenue was to blame. He had forecast club revenue at $3,000,000, up from $5,010 last year after our record year of $5,252 in 2010-11. A massive revenue shortfall of $2,994,748 has meant poor Wayne has a large gap in his budget.

To his credit Wayne said he wouldn’t sacrifice the club’s key programs, Julia’s Junior Socialist Lawn Bowls Academy and the 25 Disabled parking bays being installed. Vovo Biscuits and International Roast Coffee are now cut as is the baby bowlers bonus paid to members who give birth (to anything).   

Wayne says he expects our budget to come back in to surplus in 5 years when revenues are projected to hit a record $14,600,000.

Selection policy

During my recent visit to our sister club the Port Moresby Communist Lawn Bowls Club, their President had a crack at our selection policy.

Not on Mr. O'Neill.

Our pol-a-ceees are very transparent.

We will not let bowlers from other countries get promoted to our teams unless they have played for our ninth team in Nauru for six years.

Only after that period of time will they get a chance to play with Woy Woy.

We'll pay all their accomodation, give them a range of tax free handouts and give them free union membership once they arrive in Woy Woy. They'll start in our 8ths, but if they are no good then we'll promote to the firsts and give them more benefits.

Couldn't be clearer Mr. O'Neill and we'll give our great friends in PNG more privileges, they can play for 10 years before we take them to Woy Woy.