WOY WOY POPULISTS LAWN BOWLS CLUB

As of today I announce our club will abandon any fundamental principles and beliefs and will be presided over by former president Kevin.

Kevin will run the club for all people and stand for nothing.

"Our number one measurement of success is how popular we can become", said an emotional Kevin taking over the Presidency tonight.

"The people have wanted me for 3 years and I'm back. The ugly sister was voted Miss World by the corrupt judges, now the most gorgeous girl from the bikini contest has finally been awarded Miss World. Justice has been done." 

President happy with poor results – ‘We remain on track’

President Julia has told our Comrades that we remain on track despite another crushing result for the team on the weekend. We remain winless clear on the bottom of the ladder with the League now threatening to disband our club.

President Julia said the scoreboard remains a poor barometer for our performance. In any competition winning is not the socialist way. We have made great reforms and spent lots of member’s money to enable us to remain winless.

I see no reason to change – I will continue to do what I’ve been doing and will not hand over to horrible women hating men in white shoes and with wrinkly penises.

WWLBC President launches attack on those who would challenge her

President Julia spoke to Woy Woy’s “Lawn Bowlers with Vagina’s for Julia” fundraising group last night in the clubrooms.

Surrounded by her adoring sisterhood President Julia attacked men who would seek to be elected President of the Club.

“If a man takes over this club then it will spell doom for all women. Men with white shoes and wrinkly penises will ban women from the club. They will stop women driving cars and being educated. They will force them die their hair, wear makeup and ear rings and lovely tailored suits and make them have elocution lessons if they speak like bogans. If a man gets elected by the members then it cannot be a democratic process” she warned the sisterhood.
 

Club elections September 14th - do not be deceived!

Elections for your new committee will take place on September 14^th.

I plan to spend significant amounts of club member’s money on convincing you that my team has done an outstanding job running this club.

Wayne and I believe you can’t measure a sporting club by its on field record, success is determined by other factors. Your committee has done a great job in spending enormous amounts of money on a range of self interested initiatives – it takes courage to spend money you don’t have! I’ve been called tough, I’ve made numerous tough calls to spend when common sense and our bank manager said “No”.

Ignore former President Kevin, he may be far more popular than me, he may have a stronger vision for WWSLBC and may have had more success than me – but frankly that’s no reason to vote for him.

Do not vote for the anti socialists within our club. They will have us living within our means very quickly. They will make sure we pay our bills and offer us a strong future – again this is no reason to vote for them.

Julia

 

Ford quits as our sponsor - stuff them.

Woy Woy Socialist’s long term sponsor Ford has dramatically withdrawn as our naming rights sponsor.

A spokesman for Ford said “Woy Woy keeps putting up the price of sponsorship every year and giving us fewer and fewer results. The time has come to say enough is enough.”

President Julia is gobsmacked. “I alwes thought Ford would stay with us, why wouldn’t they? Despite the cost of sponsoring us going up every year and the fact Ford is selling no cars to our members seems irrelevant.  I’m not sure what sort of business they run over there. I'm glad I drive Kevin's second hand imported Prius anyway.”

Wayne's budget sees club to eventually achieve record revenues protecting record expenditure

Treasurer Wayne announced our budget for next year at our committee meeting at Reg’s house last night.

Wayne said a massive write down in revenue was to blame. He had forecast club revenue at $3,000,000, up from $5,010 last year after our record year of $5,252 in 2010-11. A massive revenue shortfall of $2,994,748 has meant poor Wayne has a large gap in his budget.

To his credit Wayne said he wouldn’t sacrifice the club’s key programs, Julia’s Junior Socialist Lawn Bowls Academy and the 25 Disabled parking bays being installed. Vovo Biscuits and International Roast Coffee are now cut as is the baby bowlers bonus paid to members who give birth (to anything).   

Wayne says he expects our budget to come back in to surplus in 5 years when revenues are projected to hit a record $14,600,000.

Selection policy

During my recent visit to our sister club the Port Moresby Communist Lawn Bowls Club, their President had a crack at our selection policy.

Not on Mr. O'Neill.

Our pol-a-ceees are very transparent.

We will not let bowlers from other countries get promoted to our teams unless they have played for our ninth team in Nauru for six years.

Only after that period of time will they get a chance to play with Woy Woy.

We'll pay all their accomodation, give them a range of tax free handouts and give them free union membership once they arrive in Woy Woy. They'll start in our 8ths, but if they are no good then we'll promote to the firsts and give them more benefits.

Couldn't be clearer Mr. O'Neill and we'll give our great friends in PNG more privileges, they can play for 10 years before we take them to Woy Woy. 

We can win the Premiership

President Julia announced today the Woy Woy Socialists can win the Central Coast Bowls Council premiership.

“I alwes thought we could win the Premiership. It hasn’t really been our focus as the committee’s been busy preserving ourselves for the past few years, but if win more games than anyone else we can win the Premiership”.

Truly inspiring and insightful words from our leader.

Our first team lost to the Wyong RSL failing again to win an end and remain winless on the bottom of the ladder.

Happy May Day from Julia and Wayne

We marched up and down Railway Street, went to the pub, then went home exhausted. We had truly earned our sickies today. Happy May Day Comrades.

Grave and urgent news from our President

I have to announce today some grave and urgent news about the club's finances.

I am informed by our own economic simpleton Wayne, that expenditure is greater than revenue.

Revenues are down, as apparently Wayne budgeted on us having a lotto win, twice, finding money down the back of the old change rooms and forecast our members would pay double fees. So it didn't happen - not his fault of course and certainly not mine.

Comrades this all tells us that revenue is down.

Like you I have no idea what this means, nor what to do, but I think you should all know this grave and urgent news.

The good news comrades is the spending will continue, as well all know others will pay.

 

Another weekend rout but 'We are on track' says Julia.

“We are on track to achieve what has never been achieved. We have the determination of seasoned soldiers, not the enthusiasm of raw recruits”, President Julia addressed teams at the clubrooms last night as WWSLBC remained winless on the bottom of the ladder after yet another weekend rout.

WWSLBC committeemen and women nodded furiously in agreement while drinking the champagne Julia provides them free of charge.

“It’s not about results. It’s about driving our socialist agenda no matter what it means for the club. We aren’t here to govern for the members, it’s about self interest,” Treasurer Wayne slurred as he downed another Dom Perignon.

	CCBC	Wins	Losses	%
1	Terrigal Capitalists	16	1	94%
2	Gosford Commercial	15	2	88%
3	Avoca Beach retirees	15	2	88%
4	Erina Bias	12	5	71%
5	Tuggerah Greens	11	6	65%
6	Wyong RSL	11	6	65%
7	Lisarow Lesbians	10	7	59%
8	West Gosford Warriors	10	7	59%
9	Bateau Bay Bogans	8	9	47%
10	Woy Woy Socialists	0	17	0%

Julia Junior Socialist Bowling Academy proposed

WWSLBC President Julia has announced that WWSLBC will give $10 for every $9.50 other clubs give to support the establishment of the Julia Junior Socialist Bowling Academy. The Academy run by prominent local trade unionists with little bowling experience and poor coaching skills, seeks to provide the opportunity for more Trade Unionists to gain coaching roles and providing babysitting for Junior socialist bowlers in the region.

"It's up to the other clubs to support my dream. If they don't stump up the money then the only conclusion I can draw is they don't care about developing junior bowling in the region", Julia said.

When asked where Julia was finding the WWSLBC Julia Junior Socialist Bowling Academy funding given the club was now broke, Julia indicated others would have to pay. "True Socialists rarely consider the cost of our projects, its the political benefit we gain from them with our supporter base that really counts. It's not up to us to pay, as alwes, the fabulously weathly should pay" she declared.

 

Off to China Comrades, don't worry someone else is paying

I alwes love visiting China. Chairman Mao was a pin up of mine in the early 70’s.

My China visit this time is to see our friends at our sister club, the Peking Communist Working Families Bowls Club, visit local dignitaries and officials to raise funds for our club and buy more club tunics.

I am looking forward to sitting down and having a good old chat with like minded people over the next few days and most of all enjoying a few serves of Sweet & Sour Pork after we visit my favourite Kantong sauce factory.
 

I'd rather be Working people than Fabulously wealthy

As your Comrade President I often ponder the world we live in, looking for ways to spin our socialist agenda and help drive the wedge between us socialists and the non socialists of Woy Woy.

I am living proof than envy helps fuel the socialist fire.

We socialists tend to blame everything on those who have the things we crave. Our lack of success early in life has driven us into the socialist camp and therefore we must now oppose those with the trappings of their success due to our strong socialist beliefs, effectively rationalising our envy.

I can categorically state that there is no clear evidence that any link exists between the fabulously wealthy and working people. You cannot possibly work and be fabulously wealthy.

Having established this fact it is therefore easy to strip the lazy fabulously wealthy of all we can, based on the fact they never worked for anything in the first place.

I therefore decree that the Woy Woy Socialists will seek to present a motion at the next CCBC meeting seeking that the Terrigal Capitalists, The Gosford Commercial Enterprise Club and the Avoca Beach Retirees immediately pass on their ill gotten wealth to the Woy Woy Socialists so we can continue our indifference to obtaining wealth via working.

Comrade Julia

Wayne's tough new budget for the club almost complete

Last year’s budget was probably slightly optimistic in hindsight. I estimated we’d raise $1.3 million in revenue to cover our $2.6 million of expenditure. Unfortunately through no fault of mine, we only raised $2,600.

I’d like to thank our diligent committee who had the courage to keep spending on our important programs knowing that revenue was not coming in as planned.

As President Julia has announced, others will pay for our overspends.

Important programs for 2013-14 include the continuation of our overpayment of greens keeping staff wages and further reduction of their hours to levels where we can announce we’ll now need to employee 2 more people to do the green keeping. We will give free bowling, drinks and meals to Trade union members and the Committee and Friends club again offers a range of benefits not available to those who choose to work and earn legitimate incomes.

While I expect revenues to be at similar levels to last year I am again budgeting another bumper year with $1.3 million in revenue for the club. 

Wayne

2007 Video emerges

Kevin steeered the 2007 team to an unpopular victory in the CCBC final.

Video has emerged of the final that vindicates the Committees decision to rid us of Rudd and his pooty mouth.

First team defeated again, great news

Great news from the front line comrades.

Our brave First team warriors were defeated 25/0 by our enemies the Gosford Commercial Enterprise Club. Our team made up of skilled Trade Unionist staffers and Socialist supporters with no bowling experience, fought out every contest.

I am proud of our team, putting real socialist values ahead of ability and failing brilliantly. It’s the stuff I admire and aspire to.

We also managed to extract money from Gosford raising our bar prices on the day and charging them admission to our greens. Glorious days comrades, Julia

Current Ladder

  

	CCBC	Wins	Losses	%
1	Terrigal Capitalists	14	1	93%
2	Gosford Commercial	13	2	87%
3	Avoca Beach retirees	13	2	87%
4	Erina Bias	10	5	67%
5	Tuggerah Greens	10	5	67%
6	Wyong RSL	10	5	67%
7	Lisarow Lesbians	9	6	60%
8	West Gosford Warriors	9	6	60%
9	Bateau Bay Bogans	8	7	53%
10	Woy Woy Socialists	0	15	0%

I'm a tough fu##en woman and I'm back in charge

Comrades, the events of recent times have been an unnecessary distraction for your committee.

Fortunately those who crave success have been defeated and your committee will remain focused on steering the course.

Let me restate your committee’s goals.

·         Mediocrity before medals: we are not here to win and enjoy the trappings that winning may deliver. It’s about putting the interests of the committee and those who help us stay in power first, alwes.

·         Redistribute wealth to those who support the committee: Our fees are only applied to those with a hint of wealth and those who do not support the committee. They should be made to pay heavily for any success they have enjoyed.

·         There is no such thing as success: Success only leads to division, those who are successful and those who are not. The Woy Woy socialists will alwes be in the later camp rather than have division by allowing the former to prevail.

·         Hard work leads no where: Everyone should have the opportunity to achieve nothing, we should not force work on anyone who doesn’t want it. We will have no working bees and no fundraisers – those with wealth will pay for us.

·         Spend now – others will pay: We must spend what we need to spend to retain our power base. Those we despise will pay. Our socialist credit card has no limit. We must never let capitalist budgetary beliefs stand in the way of our spending requirements.

 

 

Couldn't organise a chook raffle

Club Secretary Wayne had egg on his face when his annual chook raffle turned into high farce.

Wayne was unable to find a chook, thinking they must be adjacent to the egg section in Coles.  

Wayne knew of some beef that had been going cheap after an export ban to Indonesia crashed the price and secured a meat platter.

Despite the obvious differences in appearance Wayne insisted the meat was in fact Chicken and still refuses to concede he is wrong.

Winner Dennis Dumfuc played along with Wayne and assured us all he dined on his favourite Chicken Parmigiana last night and will again tonight.

 

 

Committee resignations

Comrade President Julia’s manifesto mediocrity before medals has forced resignations last week from those traitors who would see our club once again become competitive in the CCBC.
 

The glory days under former President Kevin are over.

“No more pennants, no more success, that’s not the socialist way”, Comrade President Julia has often preached. “Success is a committee that governs for itself and for the interests of those who
have interests in us.”

Committeemen Comrade’s Simon, Kim, Martin and Chris have all walked away and will now play in the 5^th team. Julia is excited about the changes as they present Woy Woy with a chance to promote less competent players to the 1^st team ensuring Woy Woy remains on target for another wooden spoon.

“We will also fill committee vacancies with more like minded people. I’m sick of this fascination with success on the scoreboard. Success must alwes revolve around the Comrade President staying in control of this club, driving its socialist agenda at all cost”.   

Our President and Vice President see off another challenge?

Big news today bowlers.

Former President Kevin stirred up trouble again and had several senior committemen and ladies in a frazzle. He's had some of the 2007 Premiership winning team wanting to challenge our President Julia and vice Prez Wayne.

It's a bad season for the Woy Woy Socialists, on the bottom of the Central Coast Bowls Council ladder all season. Disharmony in the first team and the Woy Woy media have been scathing of the club's performance.

Well, Ladies Champion and President Julia and Men's third team Captain and Vice President Wayne are being blamed by some of Kevin's friends.

Not our fault they say. "We're still working on connecting the phone to the clubhouse, we've got a wheelchair access scheme coming, we've given the greens staff jobs for life on double pay and half the hours, we increased spectator admission prices - but no one's turning up. Not our fault".

Julia said Kevin ran the place terribly. His Bowling Revolution went no where after the pink batts he put in the club roof caught fire, he then promised all club members a computer and only gave away 4, we had a Tea commissioner appointed to ensure no one pinched the Robur and he built a new clubhouse next to the old one (which wasn't old)!

Anyway - alot to do about nothing today fellow bowlers. No vote, no change in President and we still haven't won a game.